Sitting Still

There are moments in ones life that are forever etched into our souls.  The good, the sad, the funny moments that make life, well, life, are like stepping stones in a river we spend our lives crossing. They mark our path so that when we look back, we see where we've been.  I have many such moments indelibly marked on my heart but the one I'm thinking of today is the day I spent twenty four hours sitting vigil at my grandmothers bed as she drew her last breath. 
As I held the hand of the woman who helped raise me, reading to her, sharing stories with her, telling her it was okay to let go of the body that had finally given up after a whirlwind ride through this life, I was alone.  Except for my friend who sat with me via technology.  Without fail every fifteen or twenty minutes she'd send me a text.  She asked me to tell her stories of my grandmother.  She would tell me what the weather was like outside since I couldn't see the sky from where I sat.  She would say silly things to make me smile or inappropriate things that we all think in these moments, but would never say aloud. This friend would quietly remind me that in that moment of agony, as I let go of the last woman in my family who made me who I am, I would never be alone.
Sitting still is powerful.  It provides and requires a strength found only in the strong of heart.  Sitting still isn't about making someone feel better or fixing something or feeling useful. It is about being present, at the ready, standing witness.
I am standing in the river of my life today, my eyes focused on that singular stepping stone, hoping I too, might be able to stand still for one that I love today, so that in the future, she'll see, she is never alone. 

Laugh Loudly Today

Tonight I received one of those phone calls no one ever wants to get – news that a friend has passed suddenly and without warning.  My heart is heavy for her family, for her coworkers, friends and for myself.  We just spoke last Sunday and my last memory will be of her laugh, her smile and her radiance for life.  She was planning on retiring on December 31^st and was excited for what life had in store for her.  While I know my friend lived a full and happy life, her untimely death reminds me to greet every moment and every person with a full heart, an open mind and to live each day as if it’s my last.  Leave no words unspoken.

Today as you move through your day, take pause to love those closest to you, forgive those who have wronged you, be kind to someone who you might not usually talk with - and laugh.  Laughter is the music of a happy heart and will play long after we’re gone for those who miss us.

Magic Is Afoot

I get asked all of the time about living on an island.  It sounds glamorous and unique.  It is unique without a doubt but it is far from glamorous. Whidbey Island is a pretty amazing corner of the world.  We are the longest contiguous island in the continental United States (regardless of what Long Island thinks).  Cows and chickens almost out number people here and many of our roads are gravel and not paved.  Most of our roads aren't on any map and in the winter power outages can last for days.  When friends visit I tell them that we roll slowly.  Don't be in a hurry because Island Time means something here.  Be nice to everyone because you'll need that person you flipped off last week for something someday.  We joke that when America (and yes, we really do call the mainland that) finally implodes, we'll only have each other, so we should play nice.

Our north end of the island is anchored by Air Naval Whidbey with the gorgeous Deception Pass Bridge connecting it to the beautiful Skagit Valley.  It has big box store retailers and chain restaurants.  This creates a bit of civilization within reach but not too terribly close. 
The middle of the island is the Island County government seat with Coupeville, Fort Casey and Ebey's Reserve, as featured in major Hollywood films like Officer and A Gentleman and Practical Magic.  On my end...the Southend as it's known...we are an odd mix of rural, retired, artistic, working class, farmers and commuters. The Clinton/Mukilteo ferry links us to America. It's funk-a-fied for sure.  We're liberal but support gun ownership, over educated and under paid but we don't care because it's worth it to live here.  We all know what is going on in our neighbor's lives but try not to gossip and just let people live their lives.  Local food is more than a buzz word, it's a a way of life.  We welcome the whales with a parade each year as they pass the island in migration.  My father (bless his right wing heart) said of Langley "Well, there's just a bunch of damn hippies here" and he's not wrong.  It's one of the many reasons I love it so. We try hard to live our principles and allow everyone to do the same.  It's not easy but we do, actually, try.

We call summer the glorious season here.  From late June (hopefully) to late September we are rewarded for our long, dark, cold, wet winters and springs.  Townies summer and weekend here.  Our roads are busier, restaurants and shops make a large percentage of their annual incomes during summer.  We are, for a few months a year, a tourist destination.  When school bells begin to ring, the townies and tourists leave and my favorite season begins.  Autumn.  We get cool mornings and evenings with a hint of fog.  Days are mostly dry but we get light showers occasionally reminding us to savor the moments before winter storms begin.  We harvest our crops, begin processing our food for jars and freezers.  Salmon and crabbing seasons come to an end and we till our fields under planting cover crops so it can begin again.  I literally do not know a single person who doesn't do at least one of those things this time of year.  As I said, our connection to the land and food is way of life here.  For a girl who grew up in the suburbs of Southern California and spent a lifetime seeing pavement, this place is magical.

I hope in my writing people can see a little glimpse of my world.  For those of you so inclined you will make a sojourn to this way once in your life to see how we do things island style.  Or perhaps you'll look around your own corners of the world and see the magic all around you in this spectacular season known as Fall.

I'm Just Fine, Thanks for Asking

My 22 year marriage effectively ended earlier this year and I have to tell you the questions I get asked are rather interesting. People feel that even though I have always been fairly private about my marriage it’s perfectly fine to ask insanely personal questions. Hopefully some of what I share here will both help others who are going through this too and answer a few of the more blatant none of your business questions. If it doesn’t, well, too bad. It’s still none of your business. While the paperwork for dissolution is still pending at the state, all that technically remains is the crossed t and dotted i. I am so incredibly fortunate to be divorcing a woman who is essentially my best friend. We came to this decision out of great love and respect for one another and not out of anger or a sense of betrayal. This dissecting of a shared life is exhausting and painful and powerful and poignant. How do people who hate each other do this? How do they do this and come out the other side healthy? It boggles my mind to consider what it must be like to not do this in a way that is respectful and caring towards the person with whom I grew up, built a life and pledged to love and honor. I still love and honor her. I’ll just do it as her friend and not her wife. (Hopefully this answers the ever favorite I-can’t-believe-you-had-the-bad-manners-to-ask-this: “Did someone cheat/Was there someone else?” or the really?-what-makes-you-think-I’m-having-this-conversation-with-you-when-we’re-not-that-close: “Are you angry?” “Is she angry?” “How are you?”)
This journey of finding myself single at 43 (do the math, I was 20 when we got together) is scary, empowering, overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. The process of closing down my current business after being self employed for 11 years and to pursue new things is a bit surreal. The prospect of potentially moving off the rock or even commuting off the rock again is also scary and exciting. I have discovered things about myself I never knew before like I actually only like to cook for a crowd. If it’s just me I’d rather just keep it simple. I actually like a really tidy house and fresh flowers. I don’t watch a lot of television but prefer music instead. I like a cooler room. I don’t need ice cream in my freezer, in fact, I forget it’s there. (I think I just heard my friend in Indiana faint.) But I love salted caramels. When you’re married and more to the point when you grow up together, knowing these little things isn’t always easy. You compromise in so many small ways that you lose a little autonomy. But the point of all of this is, I like getting to know myself. This journey of self discovery is important and necessary. I find that I’m not bad company. (Hopefully this answers the second most asked question: “Are you seeing anyone yet?”)
When divorce happens “later in life” the changes required aren’t easy. Decisions and choices get made. The lifestyle of a two income household cannot be sustained but with that comes a myriad of opportunities. Perhaps a mortgage isn’t desirable. Maybe a large garden that requires hours and hours of maintenance a year isn’t how I want to spend my free time any longer. Would a condo in the city be more suitable? Should I buy another place or rent? Do I really like my furniture or is it time for something new? What is my favorite color now that I get to select it all on my own? Do I still like shabby chic or is urban eclectic more my style? Some of these questions are still pending but the fact that I get to ask them is exciting and opens my world up to all sorts of possibilities. (So for all of you who think it’s appropriate to ask, “Did you come out alright financially?” I will only say with a polite smile, I’m fine, thank you.)

When Worlds Collide

The last few days I’ve had the pleasure of hosting two friends from out of state in the waning days of a fabulous Pacific Northwest summer. These friends are a delight. We laugh and chatter and share. There never seems to be a shortage of things to talk about. It’s as if we’ve known each other for years and in reality we only recently met less than a year ago...online. We were discussing how randomly we ended up connecting in the big world of social media. What if we had skipped checking the news feed at that exact moment or hadn’t ‘friended’ the mutual person that connected us all? These women have gone from ‘online friends’ to real life friends in the course of months. What intrigues me more than the successful transitions from social media relationships are the relationships that will forever only be virtual. Why is it that some relationships can move beyond the pages of social media and email while others will remain forever intangible? In some ways, relationships on the page can be more intense and emotional than the living breathing ones you can touch and feel. Why is that, I wonder? I’ve contemplated this question for weeks now. The forever virtual friendships allow us to be whoever we wish be it authentic or fantasy. Whereas the face to face relationships contain a level of accountability not necessary in virtual interactions. Does one have more or less value in our lives? Is quantifying even necessary? Sometimes it begs the question: is it a real friendship or one of nebulous fiction? Obviously every connection is unique and should be treated as such but these questions rattle around in my head from time to time and I wonder if I’m alone in the contemplation. For today, I’m going to wander out to my living room, curl up on a sofa and sip tea with my friends and enjoy a day of laughter, a few hugs and appreciate that in this big wide world the “like” button has led me to two amazing people.

Wordy Friends

I don't think it will shock anyone that I'm a bit of Syd Parker fan.  I mentioned her book in my first novel, I have her blog linked here, I stalk...errr...I mean follow her on Facebook.  What can I say?  I dig her work...a lot.  She's one of the writers who inspired me (cajoled might be more accurate but why quibble?) to get off my ass and publish my book.  The chick is the real deal.  She writes a book you don't want to put down and that you'll likely read more than once.  Since this is my blog and I have all of...ohhh...ten readers....I get to plug her new books when they come out.  I'm a few days late but I thought I'd actually show some decorum and let her bask in the glow of her first few days of a release...for a change.

I've read this book (more than once).  I will tell you what I told her: it's her best work to date.  She gets stronger and better with every book.  I recommend it (or any of her works) even more than my own.  As I said, she's the real deal.  It's worth the price of a large venti froo froo coffee to buy this book NOW.  Right now...click here...seriously: 
 http://www.sydparkerbooks.com/Books.html

Did you click the link yet?  Hurry!

Honoring

Wanting what cannot be is a yearning that never really leaves; it just gets quieter with time. This week I’ve spent so much time contemplating the want inside of me for things that cannot be or will never be again. Grieving loved ones, missing those who are no longer here to touch, to hold, to hear is all a part of life. This week I grapple with how to honor it and move through it all at the same time. The last year has been filled with nonstop change; some good and some not so good. I’m a firm believer in learning from the joys and travails of this life but in weeks like this one I wish I had fewer lessons.