I'm Just Fine, Thanks for Asking

My 22 year marriage effectively ended earlier this year and I have to tell you the questions I get asked are rather interesting. People feel that even though I have always been fairly private about my marriage it’s perfectly fine to ask insanely personal questions. Hopefully some of what I share here will both help others who are going through this too and answer a few of the more blatant none of your business questions. If it doesn’t, well, too bad. It’s still none of your business. While the paperwork for dissolution is still pending at the state, all that technically remains is the crossed t and dotted i. I am so incredibly fortunate to be divorcing a woman who is essentially my best friend. We came to this decision out of great love and respect for one another and not out of anger or a sense of betrayal. This dissecting of a shared life is exhausting and painful and powerful and poignant. How do people who hate each other do this? How do they do this and come out the other side healthy? It boggles my mind to consider what it must be like to not do this in a way that is respectful and caring towards the person with whom I grew up, built a life and pledged to love and honor. I still love and honor her. I’ll just do it as her friend and not her wife. (Hopefully this answers the ever favorite I-can’t-believe-you-had-the-bad-manners-to-ask-this: “Did someone cheat/Was there someone else?” or the really?-what-makes-you-think-I’m-having-this-conversation-with-you-when-we’re-not-that-close: “Are you angry?” “Is she angry?” “How are you?”)
This journey of finding myself single at 43 (do the math, I was 20 when we got together) is scary, empowering, overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. The process of closing down my current business after being self employed for 11 years and to pursue new things is a bit surreal. The prospect of potentially moving off the rock or even commuting off the rock again is also scary and exciting. I have discovered things about myself I never knew before like I actually only like to cook for a crowd. If it’s just me I’d rather just keep it simple. I actually like a really tidy house and fresh flowers. I don’t watch a lot of television but prefer music instead. I like a cooler room. I don’t need ice cream in my freezer, in fact, I forget it’s there. (I think I just heard my friend in Indiana faint.) But I love salted caramels. When you’re married and more to the point when you grow up together, knowing these little things isn’t always easy. You compromise in so many small ways that you lose a little autonomy. But the point of all of this is, I like getting to know myself. This journey of self discovery is important and necessary. I find that I’m not bad company. (Hopefully this answers the second most asked question: “Are you seeing anyone yet?”)
When divorce happens “later in life” the changes required aren’t easy. Decisions and choices get made. The lifestyle of a two income household cannot be sustained but with that comes a myriad of opportunities. Perhaps a mortgage isn’t desirable. Maybe a large garden that requires hours and hours of maintenance a year isn’t how I want to spend my free time any longer. Would a condo in the city be more suitable? Should I buy another place or rent? Do I really like my furniture or is it time for something new? What is my favorite color now that I get to select it all on my own? Do I still like shabby chic or is urban eclectic more my style? Some of these questions are still pending but the fact that I get to ask them is exciting and opens my world up to all sorts of possibilities. (So for all of you who think it’s appropriate to ask, “Did you come out alright financially?” I will only say with a polite smile, I’m fine, thank you.)