I’m sitting in my father’s living room watching the sun rise
in Southern California. The sky is a
perfect blue, without a cloud in sight.
The light is bright. The palm
tree in the front yard (because it is California after all) stands still, tall
and a crisp green. I hear nothing except
the occasional sound of the dog’s collar as she snores and shifts in her sleep
at the foot of my father’s bed. This is
my New Year.
To be fair, I’m slated to fly home in five days. My patient is doing well. He will be able to shower on his own today
and tonight he’ll be left alone to heat his own dinner in the microwave while I
meet friends for dinner. All the
exhaustion and stress - of sleeping with one ear open, checking on him every
few hours around the clock, caring for him without being too invasive -- is a
welcomed outcome given the alternative of not having him here.
My girlfriend asked me last night what my resolutions are
for 2015. The list started rolling of
all the goals I have: these last twenty five pounds need to go, completing a
5K, two books published, a steady source of income, connect with friends more, but
really one resolution will cover it all.
I want to be present.
These last few weeks, really, this last year, has showed me
how important being present in the right now is to a happy life. Two years ago, as my world began to change exponentially, a dear friend told me to ask myself everyday, ‘what do I want
today?’ It was a foreign practice for a
caregiver like myself. I thought it seemed too selfish to move through a day
asking myself that question. But my friend is smart. I trust her.
So did it as faithfully as I could.
Some days the answers were profound, some days they were
silly. They led me across the world
three times last year, into a new relationship that continues to surprise me in
the best ways. Ultimately by asking that
question daily, I learned to know myself better. And to be present in the now. The last couple of weeks I’ve held my breath,
prayed and watched my father fight to live.
Not for yesterday. Not for tomorrow. For right now. So for 2015 I will hone my practice of being
present. When I’m present I am more
joyful, more connected, more alive. What
more could I resolve to be than that?
